I think its about time I set out the events and reasons as to why I finished working.
In my previous life I was a Radiographer (technically I am still a Radiographer but I am not practicing) and I was working for a company that bought medical imaging equipment, installed it in hospitals, maintained it and then put new equipment in once it had come to the end of its life.
My job there was varied. I spent time looking at the equipment that was available on the market and writing technical specifications. It had moments of being stressful but on the whole it was enjoyable and I worked with a lot of good people....the only problem was that I felt I wasn't fulfilling my potential and I just didn't feel satisfied.
I am quite prone to depression and I caved in to it again in about April/May of this year. It has happened on numerous occassions but this time was different. I didn't feel sad at home. It took a while for it to sink in that this was a fundamental problem with work and not me (well, not entirely me anyway!). I was due to go back to work, I just had one more appointment with the Doctor when I seemed to take a big drop in how I was feeling despite having my medication increased. She changed my meds and signed me off for another month. I went back to bed and slept and cried and couldn't understand what was going on.
Fast forward one month and I am in a supermarket when I start to feel most peculiar....really nauseous. I realise that it has been a while since I have had a period and decide to buy a test. I took it the second I got home and the line appeared immediately. I was pregnant with our first child! I had an appointment at the Doctor's that morning so I told her straight away and we concluded that this was the more likely explanation for the sudden drop in mood.
I hung on all day to tell Alex, who was on a course that day. I managed to drive all the way home without saying a word. I wanted to tell him in a calm environment, not somewhere we were likely to crash! When I finally told him he couldn't be more pleased and immediately set about finding a prep school!
I returned to work where I told most people that I was expecting a baby. There was a fair amount of shock as it was always me who was denying I was going to be the next 'Mum-to-be'. I didn't think I could have children so I always made a point in public stating that I didn't want them. It got people off my back and prevented probing and me feeling upset if people thought I was against having kids.
The return to work wasn't the best. It started out alright but soon I felt like I had before. I was fed up. I had a chat with Alex who had a look at our finances......which needed doing if there was only going to be one of us working in 6 months' time. He said that we could manage, if we were careful and that if I wanted to leave then he was happy to support me. I had concerns about maternity pay etc not being enough and that if I were to leave at that point then I wouldn't get my maternity pay.
I went to speak with HR about this. They said that they would sort out my maternity pay if I wanted to leave. All they would need from me would be the MATb1 form that you get after the 20 week scan. We had only had our 12 week scan a few weeks before hand. It was a long way off. Eventually I decided to leave. I left there and then on a Monday afternoon, after clearing my desk.
On Wednesday, Alex was in Denmark or somewhere on business. On Thursday I had just packed all my gym things in a bag to go for a swim. I just popped to the loo before I went when I discovered that I was bleeding. I called the Midwife, she came straight away. She made me a scan appointment for the following day and said that if I stared to feel any pain or the bleeding got worse, to go straight to A&E. The bleeding did get worse, so I went to A&E only to be told that there was nothing that they could do. The cervix was closed and they couldn't get me a scan until the next day. I went home. Alex came home later that evening.
The next day we went to the hospital where the Sonographer couldn't find a heartbeat. I knew it. I guess I knew it right from the beginning, that all those weeks I kept saying that I didn't think I was getting any bigger I wasn't imagining. The tears came for both of us. We tried to put a brave face on and it worked for a while. The Nurse told me that as it was a missed miscarriage, I would have to come in for a D&C on the Tuesday, that I would have to come in on Sunday to collect the drugs that would make it all easier. We went home. We cried. We held each other. We cried some more.
At 4am on the Saturday I started with cramping pain. It was coming in waves, I can only conclude that it was 'labour' starting. I watched the Wales v Ireland match before things started getting really bad. Alex then took me to hospital, back to A&E where the pain was just getting worse and worse. I had endless drugs and nothing was making it feel better....until they gave me IV morphine. Then it stopped and I couldn't have cared less about anything. It was a horrible day. I won't go into any further details because there is no need.
I told my employers that we had lost the baby. They offered me the chance to change my mind and go back. I chose not to take them up on their offer and finished on the 31st October.
I spent the first few weeks cleaning the house. Then I started making stuff. I wanted to sew and knit but more than anything I wanted to learn how to spin wool. I now have so many projects on the go I don't know where to begin.
I have spent a lot of money. I have learnt a lot. I have made stuff. I am happy. Finally.
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